The Asian Squat

We've all seen it in Chinatown. We've all wondered could it possibly be comfortable. Well, it's everywhere out here; from Thailand to China to Hong Kong to India. The Asian Squat.


Artistic Squat, 7/10


The squat technique involves both feet being firmly planted on the ground to provide a solid foundation of balance. Both knees should be pointed at an ever so slight outward angle, just obtuse enough so one's elbows can be rested on the inside of the knees. The butt should be pretty much as low as possible to the ground without touching and still maintaining balance.


Hang off the stairs and look mod squat, 8/10


Knee strength is one crucial element as I can maybe put it 2-3 minutes top of squatting before my knees start killing me. The most crucial element is however balance. If you attempt the position you will notice a tendency to either fall forward or backwards, depending on your back's position. I believe a straight back is required though adds a level of difficulty.


Climb and Squat, 9/10


If you reach that exact point, where somehow you fall neither backward nor forward, where you can either rest your elbows on your knees comfortably with a straight back, where you can smoke a cigarette, read a newspaper, drink a coffee, drink a beer, play cards, play mah jongg, maybe even take a dump (if you're in India), or just squat around and discuss the latest bout of political oppression inflicted upon you, my friend, you have learned the Asian Squat.



Mother and Child Squat, 10/10

Welcome to the Ladyboy Cabaret

We've all heard of the famous Thai ladyboys. I never quite understood what the fuss was about until you actually see a few of these fascinating creatures. My first exposure was in a touristy strip of an island, Koh Samui, where as a solo male traveler walking around, the harassment was fairly constant. Many of them would be quite beautiful women, but a British dude provided me the sage advice "always remember....no Thai woman should be above 5'6".

A family friendly element of the Ladyboy experience is the Ladyboy Cabaret. I attended them in both Koh Samui and Koh Tao with the safety of female friends, as the idea of heading into one of these solo would be a little nervewracking. The cabarets themselves were tremendously entertaining. Basically, the ladyboys perform a series of song and dance numbers, minus actual singing. They chroeograph fairly complex dance routines and costumes with music ranging from popular hip hop to Bollywood, to naturally, a ton of disco.



The dancing and costumes definitely ranged in qualty as the Koh Tao ladyboys were definitely minor leaguers compared to Koh Samui. Timing was off, dancers looked nervous, and man, some of those ladyboys really looked like kinda scary men (and lets not even start with the 'tuck jobs'). I am still curious to this day if there are any Frank Bruni or Rogert Ebert style "Ladyboy Cabaret Critics" as after two viewings I felt I could distinguish what was quality.

The highest quality moment came in the Koh Samui show, as a ladyboy came out in full ladyboy regalia to Frank Sinatra's "My Way". As heshe danced and lip-synced through the number, they removed articles of clothing and put on men's clothing. Towards the crescendo-laden finale of the song, they even wiped off their makeup and combed their real hair, and became a very regular looking Thai man in a suit. An example of the postmodern Ladyboy arthouse performance genre at its finest.

(I randomly found a clip on Youtube of the conclusion of I think the same performer)

The Koh Tao cabaret however did provide one interesting twist. With about 100 people in the audience, at the conclusion they needed just a few 'volunteers' (or victims more accurately). I was sitting kind of near the front and as one of the manlier ones scanned the audience with those Thai ladyboy eyes, heshe locked in on me and walked over and tapped me on the shoulder. I provided the obligatory hesitation, but as most of you who know me well would know, I figured I could handle whatever was in store. They picked me, two British guys, and I think an Aussie and took us back to the dressing room. We were provided costumes involving, with mine involving a purple wig, long purple skirt and some sort of bra top. We were brought out behind the curtain and told to stand there as a familiar disco beat found its way through the speakers. Yes, the curtain opened to the words "young man" and it was our time to walk out and dance to YMCA with the ladyboys.


We rocked it.

The Island

Picture this: Crystal clear blue water, white sand beaches, cheap but good food and drink, and a place composed solely of young hippies just hanging out. This place does exist, and it is called Koh Tao.

Much like the passengers of Flight 815 and their journey to "The Island", my journey to Koh Tao was somewhat of a disaster. It involved a 1.5 hour ferry ride from Koh Samui that was a horror unlike anything I've ever experienced. The high-speed ferry ride was absurdly choppy and created a situation that was so disgusting, it was almost funny. About 30 minutes into the ride I heard the first heaving vomit from the back of the passenger area. What happened next was unreal. If you've ever seen one of those Family Guy clips where everyone starts puking, this was the closest I think I'll ever get (hopefully) as one person's vomiting led to a chain reaction with at least 20 confirmed vomiters out of maybe 100 passengers. I've never experienced motion sickness before and thankfully avoided it, but as I witnessed lady directly to my right puking into a bag, I definitely didnt feel awesome.



Once we got there, everything changed. The beaches are beautiful, the island isn't overdeveloped, and there's one long strip of beach that has a bunch of bars and restaurants. Each bar has a large outdoor seating area of bean bags and lounge chairs that are full of people, probably with an average age of 22, hanging out all day drinking and just relaxing. At night there are fire jugglers everywhere and all the restaurants open up dance floors. There are fire jugglers and fire limbo and booze is served in buckets. The beaches are that idyllic crytal blue water and white sand you only see in brochures. What more do you need?


Bean Bags on the Beach





Fire Limbo


Fire Jugglers


I don't know if its the sarcastic New Yorker in me, but I was convinced the entire time something had to be wrong. It was just too perfect. I even shared this theory with a number of people we met, and most people almost agreed when confronted with my theory. A few running theories were: the bathwater occasionally literally smelled like crap and some people were suspect as to how sewage is treated on the island. Another guy was convinced that the volcanic nature of the rock on the island somehow was slowly giving everyone cancer. The easy theory was we'd all be the murder victims of Thai drug lords, a la The Beach. Other than that, maybe this really was paradise. Maybe this was a never-never land for the hippie in us all.

.,...and just maybe, The Island heard me questioning its worth, and that's why it cursed me with a perforated eardrum.

Perforated Eardrum

.....is not the name of my new band. It is the disastrous result of my attempt at scuba diving certification. This endeavor began with an extremely interesting few classrom sessions, continued with an introduction into the world of Finding Nemo, and ended in temporary hearing loss and "ear discharge".

While spending time on Koh Tao in Thailand, I decided I would (horrible pun alert) take the plunge and sign up for a scuba certification course. I signed up with the Phoenix Divers group, after a solid sales pitch from an American who worked there and saw me inspecting a brochure. The class is four days long, with the first day solely in the classroom, the second day split between the classroom and a pool, and the third and fourth days spent in the ocean diving.

I was anticipating the classroom time to be fairly boring but important, but it was nothing of the sort. I was never a huge fan of physics and science in general in high school, but the direct real world application of physics to scuba diving was fascinating. If nothing else, I finally have a solid understanding of why one's ears pop on a flight, after a lengthy discussion on water and air pressure. The physics perfectly translated in the ocean as how heavily you breath and fill your lungs with air notably affects how you rise and fall in the water due to the changes in your density.

Unfortunately, the real world application of the physics became all too real for me. The 45 minute dive was spectacular, the feeling of suspended weightlessness in the water is unlike anything I've felt before and swimming along with schools of fish and seeing all the life of the coral reef up close was spectacular. The second dive, well, that was where the disaster took place.

While we've all learned the lesson to listen carefully to the teacher, I had about five minutes of waiting at the beginning at the surface of the water while other students were taking "skills tests" you need for certification. I decided to kinda screw around to the side and practice one of the skills, "filling the mask", that involves allowing water into your mask and blowing it out with your nose. It happened fairly quickly, but I basically descended too quickly into the water with a mask filled with water, and BAM, I felt a shooting pop through my right ear.

After a few seconds of total disorientation, which was admittedly kind of cool in a crazy way, as with no center of gravity and surrounded by water I literally had no sense of direction or space for a few seconds, I surfaced. I went over to the teacher and said "um..something might be wrong". I told him what happened and as an examination, he took me underwater and had me "equalize" (which is basically holding your nose and blowing, like on a plane to clear your ears). It definitely wasnt a good sign that small bubbles were coming out of my ear, but he reassured me it was the most common of diving issues but I couldnt finish the course.

Even with the subsequent "ear discharge" (which is not a fun or pretty occurrence) and annoying slight temporary hearing loss, that is thankfully coming to an end, I still fully intend to finish the scuba course and get my license. I long to get back to the world of Nemo.